forever.

Where has my life been that I haven't written... I got so out of the habit, which seems unimaginable because it used to keep me so grounded. I need to focus, need to breath, relax and let life roll. I need to chill and just let things be. So- alas, here I am. I recognize that mosly I blog to/for myself- I don't write these with the intentions of anyone reading them; however I also don't make them private. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway... What I want to do is share the story I have from the last year or so of my life. I am one of those people who is oh so lucky to constantly be in some sort of change. From change in school, friends, jobs, houses, boyfriends, cars- you name it. I'm going to sort of start where I am and work my way backwards, because thats quite frankly how my brain works- backwards.

I quit my "dream job" two and a half months ago. 11 weeks to be exact. Two years post master degree, I quit. I just quit. I'm working on figuring out how I got to being so miserable that I just quit, but again- I'm discussing where I am now... SO- job wise, I ended up in a 16 week travel assignment in good 'ole Akron, Ohio. It is literally the exact same job as I was doing in Columubus. I took it because I was a mess and having a quarter-life-post-grade-career-life crisis and it pays so well. I am covering a maternity leave so this temp agency pays me and some other woman tons of dollars to deal with Akron, Ohio for 16 weeks. I was miserable at first. I've made "friends"; met people- whatever, it's fine. No, it's good. It's hella easy and I get along with the other social workers so what more could you ask for after a sudden "I'm giving you my two weeks notice" from your "dream job." I'm also working contingent at the James. It's fun. Fine. Good. ((I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up really is all this paragraph means to get across)).

Z and I are together... again... for the 11th time? Haha. It's been a long, long, long time coming. For as much shit as we have put the other through, we are in a good place. We are both fragile and just hold eachother together so we don't shatter. We've never been closer, and the growth I have seen in him blows my mind. He's amazing. He has so much wisdom, courage and strength in his spirit. So often I just look at him and smile while I think about how far he has gotten himself, on his own. He makes me proud to be his, to be able to do life with him and grow together. The hardest thing is obviously my family and friends who know the hurt that was present in the past between us. I guess what it comes down to is that he and I deserve another chance- we want another chance. I know my friends and family love me and care for me and know how easily I shatter, but thats what makes me so lucky- to have them. I don't have anxiety about it these days, they are all giving a chance and will see the changes we've made to our relationship.

Next is the topic of my deep, dark, lingering mental health issues. Issues- fuck that term. How do you even identify something thats such a bitch to your life? Heck if I know. Moving on... Well- it has sucked lately. So incredibly up and down. I get in such a rut and blame it on my weird phase of life, blame it on this job, or the fact that I'm 5-8 pounds overweight. Any little thing can steal my focus: I completly ruminate on it. First, it's anxiety- overandoverandoverandover thoughts- they never stop. I'm moving a million miles a minute. I grind my front teeth together. I clench my fist and watch my knuckles turn white. I squeeze my face so tight until my brain feels like it might come out my ears and nose. I bounce- but not before I have my legs curled up as close as possible to my torso. I try and take deep breaths- I run out of air. I try to close my eyes, but I just see stars. I try to distract myself- but I end up ruminating on something new that was triggered by social media and the whole process starts over again. Then I cry. A cry induced by frustration with myself and the inability to control what is going on with my mind and body. Then I feel stupid because I can't control it and I should be able to. I should be able to becase I'm a fucking social worker and I'm supposed to know how to control myself. Then I blame shit while I'm trying to tame my sobs. I blame it on genetics, I blame it on the fucking anti-anxiety medicine that doesn't work, I blame it on the damn coffee stain on my shirt from this morning, I blame it on having no friends, I blame it on being ugly, blame it on having no money, blame it on my shoes that got muddy. Whats next you ask? Oh, it's the song that randomizes on Pandora and sends me deeper into a spiral. At this point I am in the fetal position, sobbing, thoughts are all over the place and it feels that coming out of this place is impossible. I can't kill myself. I would never fucking kill myself. I think about why I wouldn't- Zach, Joel, my family, Hillary, Marissa, Brittany, Nina... then I think about the people I have. I get a small dose of realization. Then... haha then I grab my dog and snuggle him. I wipe my tears in his fur and my hot face sticks to him which I think about how gross it is but I don't care because I have my dog and my people and that may be all I have (which it's not), but it gets me through. Then I eventually sit up, stare at myself in the mirror. I wipe the mascare from the bags under my eyes. Then I tell myself that I look pretty post cry- because, I really do for some reason. I don't know what happens after this- I get back to whatever it was I was doing before. It's such an out-of-body, yet desperatly real 20 mins of my life. And that is that.

I'm not sure where I'll go next- but this is where I am. This is my Columbus/Akron month of October.

Joy

Oh heavens, it has been quite some time since I have written anything, hasn't it?! Things have changed, my heart is in a beautiful place. God's blessings are endless and I am diving into his goodness and grace. As I prepare for a *weekend off* I was scrolling through instagram and stopped and opened the page of a complete stranger. I began to look at all the edited and enhanced photo's of her beautiful life and children. I started to feel envy and jealous begin to creep into my mind. Pish posh. These bright, vivid square photos on my iphone screen are nothing to be jealous of. It took me about 1.3 seconds to remember the photo that is the background of my computer screen at work right now. I minimized all 6 of my screens and started at the picture of the biggest blessing in my life and his precious nephew who I already love and adore. As I looked at this photo, I realized that the smile on my face is real- its genuine and it's here to stay. I've had some "be careful" and "are you sure" questions from my dear, caring friends and family as I embarqued on this new relationship with my sweet Zachary. The most impactful conversation that solidified this happiness was had with my mom. Mama knows best, always. She knew me two years ago, and she knew Zach two years ago. She saw my hurt and at my very worse. She saw how he and I were not at the point in our lives that being together was going to be healthy. Actually, every time we were together seemed to cause some havoc in one way or another (sorry babe, but it's true) :). As her and I dove into meaninful conversation following her visit to Columubus, where Zach joined us last minute, she was speechless. She made that noise she does with her lips when she has no words and is near shock. She said to me how beautiful I was inside and out and how happy she can see I am. She told me how much I deserved his genuine, kind-hearted love. She told me she was *jealous*, but that she wouldn't want anyone but me to end up with someone and wonderful as him. She said "wow" over and over again, continuing to making that silly noise with her lips. She quickly asked the next time he could see him and "what happens now". What happens now? What a question... I live and love and be happy. The last several months have literally been life changing and I am so blessed and thankful for the next journey. Dear friends, remember that God knows what He is doing- always. He is always in control and he always has your best interest as his first priority. He's doing work and mending things in that beautiful life of yours and when your heart is ready, He'll give you all the happiness you'll ever need. A happiness that far surpassess those edited instagram photos you're staring out. Be bless, my loves.

Trust

The weather today is absolutely perfect. I loved sleeping in and spending the afternoon in the sunshine and breeze. Things have happened this week that are helping my trust in God. I struggle with a lot of anxiety and "mood issues" and lately I've been convicted to let go and let God have those. I'm a control freak and for a control freak this is hard to do. Truth is that we can't control God's will. 

So these things this week... I've been struggling with a specific issue and have a "gut feeling" that I've gone back and forth with. I've been in my head, asking myself if this is my emotions getting tangled up or if this is from the Lord. God told me full well this week, "I would not trick you." wowza, what clarity that brough to me. So I heard that, and am certain it was from the lord, now comes the trusting part. So today's deco was all about was all about this. Trusting that God's plan is so beautiful and perfect, that He has complete control of things and letting go and trusting that He will be faithful is so much easier than being anxious about our own agenda. 

I took this and dwelled on it all, and thought about one of the verses I read. Pray specifically. Be specific in prayer, God's going to give me the desire of my heart. I know this full well and I trust that His plan and timing, that I don't yet know, is so perfect and beautiful. 

There's plant of other little things that have happened in the last few days that I could share. God is so good and He's working and moving in ways that I don't know, ways that are going to be more rewarding than I ever could imagine. 

Rambles

Last week was pretty bizarre feeling for me. I feel like I am at a standstill; but that's not intended to come off in a negative way. I'm at a good standstill. I'm living in now, which is terrifyingly difficult for my, historically. Now, is the time for change. I'm not depressed about the past, I'm not anxious about the future; I am here, enjoying now. I know what I want for the future and I've got my whole heart, ears, mind and soul open to what God's got to show and teach me. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to feel again, to love to the epitome, to give myself, to be a light, to show my best self- my true genuine identity to those who welcome me with the most loving open arms. I'm learning to not care what other's think. That most of the time, I am my own worst critique. I am beautiful. One day at a time, living in the now because life is special and purposeful.

Untitled

I want to write. I want to talk about things but I don't have a topic. Do I need to have a topic? Where's that importance come into play? Insert: frustration. I want answers to questions already and I don't have them. When does time pass; when will I heal? I don't have any of those answers right now and it's killing me that I don't. I know this is practice, but waiting time freaking sucks. 

I guess thinking about that, if I am constantly still just waiting for the future {whatever that is}, am I missing something I'm supposed to be doing right now? I kinda hate to admit this, but this morning I asked God to give me signs. Now, I know the Bible says we should not test God, and that's not my intentions. I just need Him to give me a knock on the head. I'm trying to write my own story, to not use the experiences of others to sway my thinking. But reality is, that's quite hard to do when I'm so inspired by what others have experienced and what others do. Humph. I can't focus on my own reality.

Alone

Some of the gals at work, okay- actually all of them- keep telling me I need to "take a night off and be young". What does that mean? Well, I gave up a shift this week, which is NOT common for me (also picked one up, but that's irrelevant/really relevant) and this happened to be Thursday, which was the night of the fireworks here in Columbus. I was eager to do "something young", to enjoy a night off with some friends, to go out, to have a beer or two and to watch the fireworks. Well, it came to that morning- I enjoyed my routine morning of Jesus time followed by a few hours soaking up sun at the pool then realized I had no desire to "be young" and to "enjoy a night off." if I'm being honest, I would tell you that my choice activity would be to spend the night with *him*; but that is no longer my reality. Next desire, to spend time with frozen yogurt and Netflix. Humph. What a life, how riveting. I like being alone. I really do. I have different things I do when I'm alone, but overall- I really enjoy it.

You know what the most peaceful, rewarding time of my day is? My mornings. Since I have switched to second shift, I have been going to bed at an hour normal humans do, thus I've been up by 9ish everyday. Holy wow- what a revelation this is for me! I have gotten into the routine of getting up, taking Sawyer dog out, making my coffee then I sit down at the kitchen table with my laptop and notebook and indulge myself in worship music, the word of god, and prayer. Guys, it's amazing. This time alone with the Lord, routinely, everyday has made for the last two weeks the most peaceful they have ever been. {small rant: when I typed that sentence, I had an 'oh wait' thought cause it's not always peaceful, I still struggle, know that.}

I don't need to "be my age". I am young, 25 is not the age of the wise, let me tell you. But I'm content with the fact that I would choose to spend alone time with my Jesus and froyo. Do I need community? Oh, my yes. I know this- this is something that's outside of my comfort zone and I'm working on. Joining a small group has been a baby step for me and I'm somewhat relieved we took a three week break for others vacations...So when that group starts up again, I pray I open my heart to that community of women who I know can encourage me. 

Truth is, I'm 25 and I enjoy being bymyself- I enjoy the serenity and comfort of my alone time with Jesus, or with my dog, or with Netflix. Slowly, I'm going to learn the balance of alone time and "being my age", or I'll learn contentment with that I have.

Okay- so I realize this post is a little contradictory. So, maybe that's where I'm at. I haven't figured it out yet, does anyone ever really "figure it out". Psh, I don't think so. So for now, I live at peace with comfort and with my unique and beautiful spirit. 

Xo 

Communication, eh?

I don't know what I want to say right now. Im struggling to express myself in words. I'm struggling as I have in the past. I'm struggling to know when I'll "be changed". In a long conversation today, I talked about my struggle to communicat my true feelings (positive and negative) and how that has had a devastatingly negative impact on my life and my relationships. I have lost (and by grace, regained some) friends, lovers, family, trust- because I of this struggle I have to  tell people how I feel. Why is this so hard? 

I was asked that question- "why is it hard?"; well shoot, how am I supposed to know, you're supposed to be wise and give me the answers, or at lease use those skills to help push me to the answer. Nope, that's not what I got. I got the, "so figure it out" right back at me. Humph. Okay. But but but but... I started coming up with excuses, pretty good ones, as to why I didn't have an answer and how it was going to be impossible for me to come up with one. 

Stop right there. This is exactly is it. I victimize myself. I don't search for my own, genuine answers. What's stopping me? Why can't I communicate?! While this frustrates the heck out of me. But then she pointed out to me, "Kelli, you're trying and I don't think you've ever really done that before." she was right.

I'm digging and I'm searching and I'm changing. And right now, that is enough. I may not have the answers to my self questions at this moment, but I'm slowly being unveiled what they are and what my next steps are.