Communication, eh?

I don't know what I want to say right now. Im struggling to express myself in words. I'm struggling as I have in the past. I'm struggling to know when I'll "be changed". In a long conversation today, I talked about my struggle to communicat my true feelings (positive and negative) and how that has had a devastatingly negative impact on my life and my relationships. I have lost (and by grace, regained some) friends, lovers, family, trust- because I of this struggle I have to  tell people how I feel. Why is this so hard? 

I was asked that question- "why is it hard?"; well shoot, how am I supposed to know, you're supposed to be wise and give me the answers, or at lease use those skills to help push me to the answer. Nope, that's not what I got. I got the, "so figure it out" right back at me. Humph. Okay. But but but but... I started coming up with excuses, pretty good ones, as to why I didn't have an answer and how it was going to be impossible for me to come up with one. 

Stop right there. This is exactly is it. I victimize myself. I don't search for my own, genuine answers. What's stopping me? Why can't I communicate?! While this frustrates the heck out of me. But then she pointed out to me, "Kelli, you're trying and I don't think you've ever really done that before." she was right.

I'm digging and I'm searching and I'm changing. And right now, that is enough. I may not have the answers to my self questions at this moment, but I'm slowly being unveiled what they are and what my next steps are.