When you're not getting anything

The last few weeks have been a joyous struggle for me. I have been on a roller coaster: emotions, closeness to Christ, reality (or so it seems), energy... I feel quite naive saying that I want a fix NOW, cause oh, how I know that sure is not the way God works. But that's what I want, so why can't I have it! I want to be convicted of decisions I need to make, I want to see God's plan for my future, I want to have the answers, I want my heart to stop hurting, I want it all to be fine and dandy. And I want that right now, in my lap so I can more forward. Oh, how much I know this is not what will be. I need to continue to be patient and trust, deep sigh, I knooow. But what about days like today and yesterday when I don't feel like I am getting anywhere, when I don't feel close to God, when I'm not hearing or seeing him through my devotions or passages. What then.

This is the part where it would be easy to victimize myself; to say that I am trying really, really hard but I'm not getting anywhere. But, thats not mature, thats not the truth. I've slacked the last two days. Yesterday was so busy, so exhausting- I was running on 3 1/2 hours of sleep so the free few hours I did have, I chose to rest my body and sleep. Funny enough, after I woke up- I didn't feel any better. As I then rushed around to get ready for work (hoorah third shift) and then chugged coffee and spark, I continued to just sulk in myself, to be just nasty to myself and my outlook on the day. It wasn't until around 5am when I sat down at my desk to type up my assessments that I looked back on my attitude. The most time I spent with God yesterday was the 25 min drive to work when I prayed and listened to worship music. I found myself trying to defend this, thinking that I needed sleep to function for work. No- that's a lie. I need Jesus to function. I got home this morning and opened my little pink Jesus Calling book to read the most relevant paragraphs. It captured my heart and my mind in the last 24 hours. And that's how God works. He always gets me back.

Then theres been today. I spend an hour of uninterrupted, distraction free time with Jesus today. Thats what I needed to do, right? To put away my phone and devote my attention to Him and open my heart and mind to what He has to tell me… birds chirp… I got nothing. I was sitting here, longing for Him to show me something, to open my eyes to a new truth, to grasp onto a verse, anything. I got nothing of that. What am I doing wrong? I feel like my heart is in the right place, I'm here, all for You, Lord; where are you?! I got up for a little bit, made a cup of tea and turned the TV on and watched Ellen. My mind sunk into the TV for a few moments, then I started conversations with friends via text messages; I was out of my 'God Zone'. And, that, my friends is when it hit me- for the last 48 hours, I have been setting aside specific times for God, I have been scheduling him into my busy life. STOP IT, not the way it should be. God wants me, all the time, every day, every piece of me. I then got back on She Reads Truth and re-read today's devotion (the book of Nehemiah is awesome, by the way). I was there, I was so into it, I was getting something. I started scribbling down my thoughts and reactions to the devo as I do every day, and that I had just an hour prior and what I had written down in reflection just a moment ago and now was completely different. God wasn't showing me earlier because I wasn't truly giving my mind to Him. Truth be told, you know when you truly are and when you truly are not.

Oh, what an endless amount of STUFF I have to learn in this life. I wonder if I'll ever truly come full circle? I don't even know what that would actually be. It could be full circle related to life as a whole or it could be circumstantial. I know that giving my heart and mind to Him is where my soul finds restoration and contentment, in whatever phase I am in. When I'm not getting anything, I've gotta, gotta, gotta remember that I need to dive head first into the Word. To fully rely on Him. And in His most perfect time, I will be convicted of decisions I need to make, I will see God's plan for my future, I will have the answers, my heart will stop hurting, it will all be fine and dandy- because I have Him.

Hello, when did life happen?

I am sitting here in the slow hours of my night shift, composing a presentation about my role as a social worker for a middle school career day. I eagerly accepted this invitation after my friend asked me to share with her students who I am as a social worker and what I do in the Emergency Department. As I'm compiling my perspective of my job and the duties I have on a shift, it hit me like a freaking ton of bricks: I am an adult and this is my career. WHOA. When the heck did that happen? I adore my job. I love helping the patients and families that I do. I am in my picture perfect career right now, however- it's a little bizarre to realize that a year in, this is real life. For six loooong years, I grudged my way through college and then graduate school with the ambition to be a social worker. "What do you do?" "Oh I'm getting my MSW at OSU." I found some sort of prestige and satisfaction out of saying that I was getting my masters degree while knowing I didn't have to be serious about anything. I've always been very future oriented in every aspect of my life, but especially with my career. Everything was always down the road, in a few steps, and I always had 'one more thing' to do until I got there. Well, here I am. Is this everything I dream it would be? Am I making tons of money? Am I a grown up? Oh hell no. Truth be told, I don't feel any more grown up now than I did my first year of grad school. Part of me even still feels like I'm still in school, that there's another step to complete before I am a career oriented woman. I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my job, because believe me- I am blessed as can be for my employment, but I can't help but take a step back and just ponder the stages. When do you ever get there? I'm suppose to be here, aren't I? While I recognize and appreciate how I have grown leaps and bounds as a person over the past several years, I can't help but get stuck in that future oriented mindset. What's next? Where am I going from here? I always thought that when I finally had that "MSW" or "LSW" after my name, I would feel like I finally made it. Now I'm there- I have those credentials, but I still don't feel like a grown up. Maybe my fault is measuring adulthood by a career. Or maybe it's being so future oriented that I can't stop and enjoy the now. Perhaps I'm not pushing myself to my full potential? Whatever it is, it's freaking weird and unsettling in a sense. Do you ever truly get there? I'm not sure, but I'm willing to find out. As I rack my brain for answers to questions, I realize that I don't have the answers. I don't know if there is something else out there for me. I don't know if being an ER social worker is God's plan for me, I don't know what else I would even want to do. I don't know the answers to those things and so many more questions. I guess what it comes down to, is living in the moment. Being happy with what you are given and embracing the blessing. What do I do? I am never bored, I am always frustrated, I am crunched for time, people bless me and curse me, I cry a lot, I curse God a lot, I see life begin & end, I see resounding triumphs and devastating failures and I am continually amazed at people's capacity for endurance.