Communication, eh?

I don't know what I want to say right now. Im struggling to express myself in words. I'm struggling as I have in the past. I'm struggling to know when I'll "be changed". In a long conversation today, I talked about my struggle to communicat my true feelings (positive and negative) and how that has had a devastatingly negative impact on my life and my relationships. I have lost (and by grace, regained some) friends, lovers, family, trust- because I of this struggle I have to  tell people how I feel. Why is this so hard? 

I was asked that question- "why is it hard?"; well shoot, how am I supposed to know, you're supposed to be wise and give me the answers, or at lease use those skills to help push me to the answer. Nope, that's not what I got. I got the, "so figure it out" right back at me. Humph. Okay. But but but but... I started coming up with excuses, pretty good ones, as to why I didn't have an answer and how it was going to be impossible for me to come up with one. 

Stop right there. This is exactly is it. I victimize myself. I don't search for my own, genuine answers. What's stopping me? Why can't I communicate?! While this frustrates the heck out of me. But then she pointed out to me, "Kelli, you're trying and I don't think you've ever really done that before." she was right.

I'm digging and I'm searching and I'm changing. And right now, that is enough. I may not have the answers to my self questions at this moment, but I'm slowly being unveiled what they are and what my next steps are. 

My ultimate good

Oh, be still my heart. I have fallen in love with the book of Ruth, but it also aches my heart beyond words. Watching God's will and plan play out with Ruth, Naomi and Boaz is amazing- but it makes me a little jealous. It is easy to read a story such as this in the Bible and see God's work start to finish and be rejuvenated by the fact that God's plan is the most perfect and all done in His own time. But then we look at our day-to-day, 24 hours a day life- it does't seem to happen that fast. 

I am going through a heart-wrenching-long-played-out breakup that ended by God's guidance. We were convicted that God wanted us separated for the time being and that if we were faithful and obedient, God may (or, let me honest-may not) lead us back to one another. It's hard. It sucks. I hurt. I want God to show me what the right timing is. I want God to give me the answers now. I want to know what directions to head. Oh, but how that is not the way it is going to be. One step at a time, God is doing work. I am so thankful for this study of Ruth. Knowing waiting time is going to produce God's very best for me. It's hard not knowing what that is, being faithful is not as easy as it is to build my anxiety- but faithfulness will produce the very best. He is redeeming and the outcome will be so perfect and sweet. Oh, Father- get me and my heart there in your time, with your plan. Sometimes, He uses frustrating circumstances, unwanted criticisms or disappointing delays to develop in me the good gifts of patience and humility. My ultimate good is His heart's greatest desire. 

The People of Need

For the last two years, on and off, I have been involved with a community of women, #SheReadsTruth. For me, it's my daily devotions where I can read and share thoughts with other women who are following the same study. May I insert here: I said *on and off*, because lets face it: my faith is a journey, my fire for the Lord is a journey and I have been on and off in the eager journey. Praise Jesus I've had so much *on* the last while {thank you for renewing my heart, dear Father} and the last two weeks the SRT has studied the book of Nehemiah.

What a book. Oh, how much more it is that a book with a list of Biblical names I can not pronounce. Essentially, it is the journey the Israelites took in rebuilding the city of Jerusalem. It's a look into the restoration of the broken city. Israel went through a true heart wrenching confession of forgiveness and obedience; recommitting their lives and city to the Lord. The book ends on such discouraging note, though. It ends with failure, backsliding, corruption and disobediece. What the heck. Why does God have to do this- get you all eager and soften your heart and then BAM hit you with such a brick. Why does the book end the way it does? What does God want me to see about Himself through this? The final day of the two week trek through Nehemiah we were encouraged to share our own answers to these two questions.

So, here I am- I'm going to gracefully share my heart on this. First, I must note that one of my favorite worship songs started playing as I started typing and I think it is fitting beyond anything: "You've brought me to the end of myself and this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired, You gave me a new song. I'm letting go- falling into You." HELLO HOW PERFECT.

Okay, so why does the book end this way? I can't tell you what God was thinking when he ended  journey on such devastation but I can tell you this: God knows what He is doing and he crafts everything perfectly. I'm looking at my own self as I reflect on this. I've asked God why time and time again over the last month (it's been a month already?!). Why did God allow for my relationship end? It was so precious, we had put so much into it, we had plans for the future. Why God? Why!? My heart aches still but my answer is this: He wants me to lean on Him; to rely on Him and His presence. He wants to remind me that I literally CAN NOT SURVIVE without him. He's restoring my reliance on His grace and love and to not forsake it, as is easily done. I think God was doing just this with the people of Israel. He loves us so stinking much, but we need reminders, that aren't always gentle, to restore our faith in Him, in ourselves and in humanity. I also think God's reminding us that we can not continue living the same sins. We need Him more than we need ourselves. We can not do this life on our own. He is showing us how great of a need we have for Him, as sinful humans. We have fallen, and we will continue to fail. Just when things seem perfect, something will happen and we will have to rebuild our city; we're never going to be done. We need His perfection to help us continue to build and re-build.

What does God want me to see about Himself through this? Have I mentioned how much I've learned through this little book of Nehemiah? Well- it's been a perfectly timed journey, thats for certain. God wants me to recognize His forgiveness. The Israelites were not perfect, they sinned, they failed and they turned their backs on the Kingdom; but God forgave. Let me explain my connection here for a second: Since I was a little girl, I have had a longing and desire to be rescued. I have looked ahead at whats to come, waiting to be pulled out of the mud, eager for the next phase because that was when I would be "rescued". Heck, I haven't resolved this sinful mindset yet, but I have a sense of awareness now that I never have before. Ah, how this relates to the people of Israel in their journey to rebuild the city. How I have cried out to Him in the last month (again, weird) begging for forgiveness from this mindset (among other things). God has forgiven me. Others have forgiven me. Now, time to forgive myself. Thats the hardest thing. It's painful to admit our sins and our wrongdoings. But when we do, and I mean REALLY do, we are set free. Christ has so much grace and mercy to offer, and it's my duty to accept the forgiveness I am freely given and rely on that grace. I need daily reminders of this, and maybe thats part to do with the need to really forgive myself. But, I know that the Israelites journey has been God showing me again how forgiving He is, and will always be.

And I end listening to this song again, and am reminded: "You've brought me to the end of myself and this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired, You gave me a new song. I'm letting go- falling into You."