Trust

The weather today is absolutely perfect. I loved sleeping in and spending the afternoon in the sunshine and breeze. Things have happened this week that are helping my trust in God. I struggle with a lot of anxiety and "mood issues" and lately I've been convicted to let go and let God have those. I'm a control freak and for a control freak this is hard to do. Truth is that we can't control God's will. 

So these things this week... I've been struggling with a specific issue and have a "gut feeling" that I've gone back and forth with. I've been in my head, asking myself if this is my emotions getting tangled up or if this is from the Lord. God told me full well this week, "I would not trick you." wowza, what clarity that brough to me. So I heard that, and am certain it was from the lord, now comes the trusting part. So today's deco was all about was all about this. Trusting that God's plan is so beautiful and perfect, that He has complete control of things and letting go and trusting that He will be faithful is so much easier than being anxious about our own agenda. 

I took this and dwelled on it all, and thought about one of the verses I read. Pray specifically. Be specific in prayer, God's going to give me the desire of my heart. I know this full well and I trust that His plan and timing, that I don't yet know, is so perfect and beautiful. 

There's plant of other little things that have happened in the last few days that I could share. God is so good and He's working and moving in ways that I don't know, ways that are going to be more rewarding than I ever could imagine. 

Rambles

Last week was pretty bizarre feeling for me. I feel like I am at a standstill; but that's not intended to come off in a negative way. I'm at a good standstill. I'm living in now, which is terrifyingly difficult for my, historically. Now, is the time for change. I'm not depressed about the past, I'm not anxious about the future; I am here, enjoying now. I know what I want for the future and I've got my whole heart, ears, mind and soul open to what God's got to show and teach me. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to feel again, to love to the epitome, to give myself, to be a light, to show my best self- my true genuine identity to those who welcome me with the most loving open arms. I'm learning to not care what other's think. That most of the time, I am my own worst critique. I am beautiful. One day at a time, living in the now because life is special and purposeful.

Untitled

I want to write. I want to talk about things but I don't have a topic. Do I need to have a topic? Where's that importance come into play? Insert: frustration. I want answers to questions already and I don't have them. When does time pass; when will I heal? I don't have any of those answers right now and it's killing me that I don't. I know this is practice, but waiting time freaking sucks. 

I guess thinking about that, if I am constantly still just waiting for the future {whatever that is}, am I missing something I'm supposed to be doing right now? I kinda hate to admit this, but this morning I asked God to give me signs. Now, I know the Bible says we should not test God, and that's not my intentions. I just need Him to give me a knock on the head. I'm trying to write my own story, to not use the experiences of others to sway my thinking. But reality is, that's quite hard to do when I'm so inspired by what others have experienced and what others do. Humph. I can't focus on my own reality.

Alone

Some of the gals at work, okay- actually all of them- keep telling me I need to "take a night off and be young". What does that mean? Well, I gave up a shift this week, which is NOT common for me (also picked one up, but that's irrelevant/really relevant) and this happened to be Thursday, which was the night of the fireworks here in Columbus. I was eager to do "something young", to enjoy a night off with some friends, to go out, to have a beer or two and to watch the fireworks. Well, it came to that morning- I enjoyed my routine morning of Jesus time followed by a few hours soaking up sun at the pool then realized I had no desire to "be young" and to "enjoy a night off." if I'm being honest, I would tell you that my choice activity would be to spend the night with *him*; but that is no longer my reality. Next desire, to spend time with frozen yogurt and Netflix. Humph. What a life, how riveting. I like being alone. I really do. I have different things I do when I'm alone, but overall- I really enjoy it.

You know what the most peaceful, rewarding time of my day is? My mornings. Since I have switched to second shift, I have been going to bed at an hour normal humans do, thus I've been up by 9ish everyday. Holy wow- what a revelation this is for me! I have gotten into the routine of getting up, taking Sawyer dog out, making my coffee then I sit down at the kitchen table with my laptop and notebook and indulge myself in worship music, the word of god, and prayer. Guys, it's amazing. This time alone with the Lord, routinely, everyday has made for the last two weeks the most peaceful they have ever been. {small rant: when I typed that sentence, I had an 'oh wait' thought cause it's not always peaceful, I still struggle, know that.}

I don't need to "be my age". I am young, 25 is not the age of the wise, let me tell you. But I'm content with the fact that I would choose to spend alone time with my Jesus and froyo. Do I need community? Oh, my yes. I know this- this is something that's outside of my comfort zone and I'm working on. Joining a small group has been a baby step for me and I'm somewhat relieved we took a three week break for others vacations...So when that group starts up again, I pray I open my heart to that community of women who I know can encourage me. 

Truth is, I'm 25 and I enjoy being bymyself- I enjoy the serenity and comfort of my alone time with Jesus, or with my dog, or with Netflix. Slowly, I'm going to learn the balance of alone time and "being my age", or I'll learn contentment with that I have.

Okay- so I realize this post is a little contradictory. So, maybe that's where I'm at. I haven't figured it out yet, does anyone ever really "figure it out". Psh, I don't think so. So for now, I live at peace with comfort and with my unique and beautiful spirit. 

Xo