Joy

Oh heavens, it has been quite some time since I have written anything, hasn't it?! Things have changed, my heart is in a beautiful place. God's blessings are endless and I am diving into his goodness and grace. As I prepare for a *weekend off* I was scrolling through instagram and stopped and opened the page of a complete stranger. I began to look at all the edited and enhanced photo's of her beautiful life and children. I started to feel envy and jealous begin to creep into my mind. Pish posh. These bright, vivid square photos on my iphone screen are nothing to be jealous of. It took me about 1.3 seconds to remember the photo that is the background of my computer screen at work right now. I minimized all 6 of my screens and started at the picture of the biggest blessing in my life and his precious nephew who I already love and adore. As I looked at this photo, I realized that the smile on my face is real- its genuine and it's here to stay. I've had some "be careful" and "are you sure" questions from my dear, caring friends and family as I embarqued on this new relationship with my sweet Zachary. The most impactful conversation that solidified this happiness was had with my mom. Mama knows best, always. She knew me two years ago, and she knew Zach two years ago. She saw my hurt and at my very worse. She saw how he and I were not at the point in our lives that being together was going to be healthy. Actually, every time we were together seemed to cause some havoc in one way or another (sorry babe, but it's true) :). As her and I dove into meaninful conversation following her visit to Columubus, where Zach joined us last minute, she was speechless. She made that noise she does with her lips when she has no words and is near shock. She said to me how beautiful I was inside and out and how happy she can see I am. She told me how much I deserved his genuine, kind-hearted love. She told me she was *jealous*, but that she wouldn't want anyone but me to end up with someone and wonderful as him. She said "wow" over and over again, continuing to making that silly noise with her lips. She quickly asked the next time he could see him and "what happens now". What happens now? What a question... I live and love and be happy. The last several months have literally been life changing and I am so blessed and thankful for the next journey. Dear friends, remember that God knows what He is doing- always. He is always in control and he always has your best interest as his first priority. He's doing work and mending things in that beautiful life of yours and when your heart is ready, He'll give you all the happiness you'll ever need. A happiness that far surpassess those edited instagram photos you're staring out. Be bless, my loves.

Trust

The weather today is absolutely perfect. I loved sleeping in and spending the afternoon in the sunshine and breeze. Things have happened this week that are helping my trust in God. I struggle with a lot of anxiety and "mood issues" and lately I've been convicted to let go and let God have those. I'm a control freak and for a control freak this is hard to do. Truth is that we can't control God's will. 

So these things this week... I've been struggling with a specific issue and have a "gut feeling" that I've gone back and forth with. I've been in my head, asking myself if this is my emotions getting tangled up or if this is from the Lord. God told me full well this week, "I would not trick you." wowza, what clarity that brough to me. So I heard that, and am certain it was from the lord, now comes the trusting part. So today's deco was all about was all about this. Trusting that God's plan is so beautiful and perfect, that He has complete control of things and letting go and trusting that He will be faithful is so much easier than being anxious about our own agenda. 

I took this and dwelled on it all, and thought about one of the verses I read. Pray specifically. Be specific in prayer, God's going to give me the desire of my heart. I know this full well and I trust that His plan and timing, that I don't yet know, is so perfect and beautiful. 

There's plant of other little things that have happened in the last few days that I could share. God is so good and He's working and moving in ways that I don't know, ways that are going to be more rewarding than I ever could imagine. 

Rambles

Last week was pretty bizarre feeling for me. I feel like I am at a standstill; but that's not intended to come off in a negative way. I'm at a good standstill. I'm living in now, which is terrifyingly difficult for my, historically. Now, is the time for change. I'm not depressed about the past, I'm not anxious about the future; I am here, enjoying now. I know what I want for the future and I've got my whole heart, ears, mind and soul open to what God's got to show and teach me. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to feel again, to love to the epitome, to give myself, to be a light, to show my best self- my true genuine identity to those who welcome me with the most loving open arms. I'm learning to not care what other's think. That most of the time, I am my own worst critique. I am beautiful. One day at a time, living in the now because life is special and purposeful.

Untitled

I want to write. I want to talk about things but I don't have a topic. Do I need to have a topic? Where's that importance come into play? Insert: frustration. I want answers to questions already and I don't have them. When does time pass; when will I heal? I don't have any of those answers right now and it's killing me that I don't. I know this is practice, but waiting time freaking sucks. 

I guess thinking about that, if I am constantly still just waiting for the future {whatever that is}, am I missing something I'm supposed to be doing right now? I kinda hate to admit this, but this morning I asked God to give me signs. Now, I know the Bible says we should not test God, and that's not my intentions. I just need Him to give me a knock on the head. I'm trying to write my own story, to not use the experiences of others to sway my thinking. But reality is, that's quite hard to do when I'm so inspired by what others have experienced and what others do. Humph. I can't focus on my own reality.

Alone

Some of the gals at work, okay- actually all of them- keep telling me I need to "take a night off and be young". What does that mean? Well, I gave up a shift this week, which is NOT common for me (also picked one up, but that's irrelevant/really relevant) and this happened to be Thursday, which was the night of the fireworks here in Columbus. I was eager to do "something young", to enjoy a night off with some friends, to go out, to have a beer or two and to watch the fireworks. Well, it came to that morning- I enjoyed my routine morning of Jesus time followed by a few hours soaking up sun at the pool then realized I had no desire to "be young" and to "enjoy a night off." if I'm being honest, I would tell you that my choice activity would be to spend the night with *him*; but that is no longer my reality. Next desire, to spend time with frozen yogurt and Netflix. Humph. What a life, how riveting. I like being alone. I really do. I have different things I do when I'm alone, but overall- I really enjoy it.

You know what the most peaceful, rewarding time of my day is? My mornings. Since I have switched to second shift, I have been going to bed at an hour normal humans do, thus I've been up by 9ish everyday. Holy wow- what a revelation this is for me! I have gotten into the routine of getting up, taking Sawyer dog out, making my coffee then I sit down at the kitchen table with my laptop and notebook and indulge myself in worship music, the word of god, and prayer. Guys, it's amazing. This time alone with the Lord, routinely, everyday has made for the last two weeks the most peaceful they have ever been. {small rant: when I typed that sentence, I had an 'oh wait' thought cause it's not always peaceful, I still struggle, know that.}

I don't need to "be my age". I am young, 25 is not the age of the wise, let me tell you. But I'm content with the fact that I would choose to spend alone time with my Jesus and froyo. Do I need community? Oh, my yes. I know this- this is something that's outside of my comfort zone and I'm working on. Joining a small group has been a baby step for me and I'm somewhat relieved we took a three week break for others vacations...So when that group starts up again, I pray I open my heart to that community of women who I know can encourage me. 

Truth is, I'm 25 and I enjoy being bymyself- I enjoy the serenity and comfort of my alone time with Jesus, or with my dog, or with Netflix. Slowly, I'm going to learn the balance of alone time and "being my age", or I'll learn contentment with that I have.

Okay- so I realize this post is a little contradictory. So, maybe that's where I'm at. I haven't figured it out yet, does anyone ever really "figure it out". Psh, I don't think so. So for now, I live at peace with comfort and with my unique and beautiful spirit. 

Xo 

Communication, eh?

I don't know what I want to say right now. Im struggling to express myself in words. I'm struggling as I have in the past. I'm struggling to know when I'll "be changed". In a long conversation today, I talked about my struggle to communicat my true feelings (positive and negative) and how that has had a devastatingly negative impact on my life and my relationships. I have lost (and by grace, regained some) friends, lovers, family, trust- because I of this struggle I have to  tell people how I feel. Why is this so hard? 

I was asked that question- "why is it hard?"; well shoot, how am I supposed to know, you're supposed to be wise and give me the answers, or at lease use those skills to help push me to the answer. Nope, that's not what I got. I got the, "so figure it out" right back at me. Humph. Okay. But but but but... I started coming up with excuses, pretty good ones, as to why I didn't have an answer and how it was going to be impossible for me to come up with one. 

Stop right there. This is exactly is it. I victimize myself. I don't search for my own, genuine answers. What's stopping me? Why can't I communicate?! While this frustrates the heck out of me. But then she pointed out to me, "Kelli, you're trying and I don't think you've ever really done that before." she was right.

I'm digging and I'm searching and I'm changing. And right now, that is enough. I may not have the answers to my self questions at this moment, but I'm slowly being unveiled what they are and what my next steps are. 

My ultimate good

Oh, be still my heart. I have fallen in love with the book of Ruth, but it also aches my heart beyond words. Watching God's will and plan play out with Ruth, Naomi and Boaz is amazing- but it makes me a little jealous. It is easy to read a story such as this in the Bible and see God's work start to finish and be rejuvenated by the fact that God's plan is the most perfect and all done in His own time. But then we look at our day-to-day, 24 hours a day life- it does't seem to happen that fast. 

I am going through a heart-wrenching-long-played-out breakup that ended by God's guidance. We were convicted that God wanted us separated for the time being and that if we were faithful and obedient, God may (or, let me honest-may not) lead us back to one another. It's hard. It sucks. I hurt. I want God to show me what the right timing is. I want God to give me the answers now. I want to know what directions to head. Oh, but how that is not the way it is going to be. One step at a time, God is doing work. I am so thankful for this study of Ruth. Knowing waiting time is going to produce God's very best for me. It's hard not knowing what that is, being faithful is not as easy as it is to build my anxiety- but faithfulness will produce the very best. He is redeeming and the outcome will be so perfect and sweet. Oh, Father- get me and my heart there in your time, with your plan. Sometimes, He uses frustrating circumstances, unwanted criticisms or disappointing delays to develop in me the good gifts of patience and humility. My ultimate good is His heart's greatest desire. 

The People of Need

For the last two years, on and off, I have been involved with a community of women, #SheReadsTruth. For me, it's my daily devotions where I can read and share thoughts with other women who are following the same study. May I insert here: I said *on and off*, because lets face it: my faith is a journey, my fire for the Lord is a journey and I have been on and off in the eager journey. Praise Jesus I've had so much *on* the last while {thank you for renewing my heart, dear Father} and the last two weeks the SRT has studied the book of Nehemiah.

What a book. Oh, how much more it is that a book with a list of Biblical names I can not pronounce. Essentially, it is the journey the Israelites took in rebuilding the city of Jerusalem. It's a look into the restoration of the broken city. Israel went through a true heart wrenching confession of forgiveness and obedience; recommitting their lives and city to the Lord. The book ends on such discouraging note, though. It ends with failure, backsliding, corruption and disobediece. What the heck. Why does God have to do this- get you all eager and soften your heart and then BAM hit you with such a brick. Why does the book end the way it does? What does God want me to see about Himself through this? The final day of the two week trek through Nehemiah we were encouraged to share our own answers to these two questions.

So, here I am- I'm going to gracefully share my heart on this. First, I must note that one of my favorite worship songs started playing as I started typing and I think it is fitting beyond anything: "You've brought me to the end of myself and this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired, You gave me a new song. I'm letting go- falling into You." HELLO HOW PERFECT.

Okay, so why does the book end this way? I can't tell you what God was thinking when he ended  journey on such devastation but I can tell you this: God knows what He is doing and he crafts everything perfectly. I'm looking at my own self as I reflect on this. I've asked God why time and time again over the last month (it's been a month already?!). Why did God allow for my relationship end? It was so precious, we had put so much into it, we had plans for the future. Why God? Why!? My heart aches still but my answer is this: He wants me to lean on Him; to rely on Him and His presence. He wants to remind me that I literally CAN NOT SURVIVE without him. He's restoring my reliance on His grace and love and to not forsake it, as is easily done. I think God was doing just this with the people of Israel. He loves us so stinking much, but we need reminders, that aren't always gentle, to restore our faith in Him, in ourselves and in humanity. I also think God's reminding us that we can not continue living the same sins. We need Him more than we need ourselves. We can not do this life on our own. He is showing us how great of a need we have for Him, as sinful humans. We have fallen, and we will continue to fail. Just when things seem perfect, something will happen and we will have to rebuild our city; we're never going to be done. We need His perfection to help us continue to build and re-build.

What does God want me to see about Himself through this? Have I mentioned how much I've learned through this little book of Nehemiah? Well- it's been a perfectly timed journey, thats for certain. God wants me to recognize His forgiveness. The Israelites were not perfect, they sinned, they failed and they turned their backs on the Kingdom; but God forgave. Let me explain my connection here for a second: Since I was a little girl, I have had a longing and desire to be rescued. I have looked ahead at whats to come, waiting to be pulled out of the mud, eager for the next phase because that was when I would be "rescued". Heck, I haven't resolved this sinful mindset yet, but I have a sense of awareness now that I never have before. Ah, how this relates to the people of Israel in their journey to rebuild the city. How I have cried out to Him in the last month (again, weird) begging for forgiveness from this mindset (among other things). God has forgiven me. Others have forgiven me. Now, time to forgive myself. Thats the hardest thing. It's painful to admit our sins and our wrongdoings. But when we do, and I mean REALLY do, we are set free. Christ has so much grace and mercy to offer, and it's my duty to accept the forgiveness I am freely given and rely on that grace. I need daily reminders of this, and maybe thats part to do with the need to really forgive myself. But, I know that the Israelites journey has been God showing me again how forgiving He is, and will always be.

And I end listening to this song again, and am reminded: "You've brought me to the end of myself and this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired, You gave me a new song. I'm letting go- falling into You."

When you're not getting anything

The last few weeks have been a joyous struggle for me. I have been on a roller coaster: emotions, closeness to Christ, reality (or so it seems), energy... I feel quite naive saying that I want a fix NOW, cause oh, how I know that sure is not the way God works. But that's what I want, so why can't I have it! I want to be convicted of decisions I need to make, I want to see God's plan for my future, I want to have the answers, I want my heart to stop hurting, I want it all to be fine and dandy. And I want that right now, in my lap so I can more forward. Oh, how much I know this is not what will be. I need to continue to be patient and trust, deep sigh, I knooow. But what about days like today and yesterday when I don't feel like I am getting anywhere, when I don't feel close to God, when I'm not hearing or seeing him through my devotions or passages. What then.

This is the part where it would be easy to victimize myself; to say that I am trying really, really hard but I'm not getting anywhere. But, thats not mature, thats not the truth. I've slacked the last two days. Yesterday was so busy, so exhausting- I was running on 3 1/2 hours of sleep so the free few hours I did have, I chose to rest my body and sleep. Funny enough, after I woke up- I didn't feel any better. As I then rushed around to get ready for work (hoorah third shift) and then chugged coffee and spark, I continued to just sulk in myself, to be just nasty to myself and my outlook on the day. It wasn't until around 5am when I sat down at my desk to type up my assessments that I looked back on my attitude. The most time I spent with God yesterday was the 25 min drive to work when I prayed and listened to worship music. I found myself trying to defend this, thinking that I needed sleep to function for work. No- that's a lie. I need Jesus to function. I got home this morning and opened my little pink Jesus Calling book to read the most relevant paragraphs. It captured my heart and my mind in the last 24 hours. And that's how God works. He always gets me back.

Then theres been today. I spend an hour of uninterrupted, distraction free time with Jesus today. Thats what I needed to do, right? To put away my phone and devote my attention to Him and open my heart and mind to what He has to tell me… birds chirp… I got nothing. I was sitting here, longing for Him to show me something, to open my eyes to a new truth, to grasp onto a verse, anything. I got nothing of that. What am I doing wrong? I feel like my heart is in the right place, I'm here, all for You, Lord; where are you?! I got up for a little bit, made a cup of tea and turned the TV on and watched Ellen. My mind sunk into the TV for a few moments, then I started conversations with friends via text messages; I was out of my 'God Zone'. And, that, my friends is when it hit me- for the last 48 hours, I have been setting aside specific times for God, I have been scheduling him into my busy life. STOP IT, not the way it should be. God wants me, all the time, every day, every piece of me. I then got back on She Reads Truth and re-read today's devotion (the book of Nehemiah is awesome, by the way). I was there, I was so into it, I was getting something. I started scribbling down my thoughts and reactions to the devo as I do every day, and that I had just an hour prior and what I had written down in reflection just a moment ago and now was completely different. God wasn't showing me earlier because I wasn't truly giving my mind to Him. Truth be told, you know when you truly are and when you truly are not.

Oh, what an endless amount of STUFF I have to learn in this life. I wonder if I'll ever truly come full circle? I don't even know what that would actually be. It could be full circle related to life as a whole or it could be circumstantial. I know that giving my heart and mind to Him is where my soul finds restoration and contentment, in whatever phase I am in. When I'm not getting anything, I've gotta, gotta, gotta remember that I need to dive head first into the Word. To fully rely on Him. And in His most perfect time, I will be convicted of decisions I need to make, I will see God's plan for my future, I will have the answers, my heart will stop hurting, it will all be fine and dandy- because I have Him.

Hello, when did life happen?

I am sitting here in the slow hours of my night shift, composing a presentation about my role as a social worker for a middle school career day. I eagerly accepted this invitation after my friend asked me to share with her students who I am as a social worker and what I do in the Emergency Department. As I'm compiling my perspective of my job and the duties I have on a shift, it hit me like a freaking ton of bricks: I am an adult and this is my career. WHOA. When the heck did that happen? I adore my job. I love helping the patients and families that I do. I am in my picture perfect career right now, however- it's a little bizarre to realize that a year in, this is real life. For six loooong years, I grudged my way through college and then graduate school with the ambition to be a social worker. "What do you do?" "Oh I'm getting my MSW at OSU." I found some sort of prestige and satisfaction out of saying that I was getting my masters degree while knowing I didn't have to be serious about anything. I've always been very future oriented in every aspect of my life, but especially with my career. Everything was always down the road, in a few steps, and I always had 'one more thing' to do until I got there. Well, here I am. Is this everything I dream it would be? Am I making tons of money? Am I a grown up? Oh hell no. Truth be told, I don't feel any more grown up now than I did my first year of grad school. Part of me even still feels like I'm still in school, that there's another step to complete before I am a career oriented woman. I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my job, because believe me- I am blessed as can be for my employment, but I can't help but take a step back and just ponder the stages. When do you ever get there? I'm suppose to be here, aren't I? While I recognize and appreciate how I have grown leaps and bounds as a person over the past several years, I can't help but get stuck in that future oriented mindset. What's next? Where am I going from here? I always thought that when I finally had that "MSW" or "LSW" after my name, I would feel like I finally made it. Now I'm there- I have those credentials, but I still don't feel like a grown up. Maybe my fault is measuring adulthood by a career. Or maybe it's being so future oriented that I can't stop and enjoy the now. Perhaps I'm not pushing myself to my full potential? Whatever it is, it's freaking weird and unsettling in a sense. Do you ever truly get there? I'm not sure, but I'm willing to find out. As I rack my brain for answers to questions, I realize that I don't have the answers. I don't know if there is something else out there for me. I don't know if being an ER social worker is God's plan for me, I don't know what else I would even want to do. I don't know the answers to those things and so many more questions. I guess what it comes down to, is living in the moment. Being happy with what you are given and embracing the blessing. What do I do? I am never bored, I am always frustrated, I am crunched for time, people bless me and curse me, I cry a lot, I curse God a lot, I see life begin & end, I see resounding triumphs and devastating failures and I am continually amazed at people's capacity for endurance.