forever.

Where has my life been that I haven't written... I got so out of the habit, which seems unimaginable because it used to keep me so grounded. I need to focus, need to breath, relax and let life roll. I need to chill and just let things be. So- alas, here I am. I recognize that mosly I blog to/for myself- I don't write these with the intentions of anyone reading them; however I also don't make them private. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway... What I want to do is share the story I have from the last year or so of my life. I am one of those people who is oh so lucky to constantly be in some sort of change. From change in school, friends, jobs, houses, boyfriends, cars- you name it. I'm going to sort of start where I am and work my way backwards, because thats quite frankly how my brain works- backwards.

I quit my "dream job" two and a half months ago. 11 weeks to be exact. Two years post master degree, I quit. I just quit. I'm working on figuring out how I got to being so miserable that I just quit, but again- I'm discussing where I am now... SO- job wise, I ended up in a 16 week travel assignment in good 'ole Akron, Ohio. It is literally the exact same job as I was doing in Columubus. I took it because I was a mess and having a quarter-life-post-grade-career-life crisis and it pays so well. I am covering a maternity leave so this temp agency pays me and some other woman tons of dollars to deal with Akron, Ohio for 16 weeks. I was miserable at first. I've made "friends"; met people- whatever, it's fine. No, it's good. It's hella easy and I get along with the other social workers so what more could you ask for after a sudden "I'm giving you my two weeks notice" from your "dream job." I'm also working contingent at the James. It's fun. Fine. Good. ((I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up really is all this paragraph means to get across)).

Z and I are together... again... for the 11th time? Haha. It's been a long, long, long time coming. For as much shit as we have put the other through, we are in a good place. We are both fragile and just hold eachother together so we don't shatter. We've never been closer, and the growth I have seen in him blows my mind. He's amazing. He has so much wisdom, courage and strength in his spirit. So often I just look at him and smile while I think about how far he has gotten himself, on his own. He makes me proud to be his, to be able to do life with him and grow together. The hardest thing is obviously my family and friends who know the hurt that was present in the past between us. I guess what it comes down to is that he and I deserve another chance- we want another chance. I know my friends and family love me and care for me and know how easily I shatter, but thats what makes me so lucky- to have them. I don't have anxiety about it these days, they are all giving a chance and will see the changes we've made to our relationship.

Next is the topic of my deep, dark, lingering mental health issues. Issues- fuck that term. How do you even identify something thats such a bitch to your life? Heck if I know. Moving on... Well- it has sucked lately. So incredibly up and down. I get in such a rut and blame it on my weird phase of life, blame it on this job, or the fact that I'm 5-8 pounds overweight. Any little thing can steal my focus: I completly ruminate on it. First, it's anxiety- overandoverandoverandover thoughts- they never stop. I'm moving a million miles a minute. I grind my front teeth together. I clench my fist and watch my knuckles turn white. I squeeze my face so tight until my brain feels like it might come out my ears and nose. I bounce- but not before I have my legs curled up as close as possible to my torso. I try and take deep breaths- I run out of air. I try to close my eyes, but I just see stars. I try to distract myself- but I end up ruminating on something new that was triggered by social media and the whole process starts over again. Then I cry. A cry induced by frustration with myself and the inability to control what is going on with my mind and body. Then I feel stupid because I can't control it and I should be able to. I should be able to becase I'm a fucking social worker and I'm supposed to know how to control myself. Then I blame shit while I'm trying to tame my sobs. I blame it on genetics, I blame it on the fucking anti-anxiety medicine that doesn't work, I blame it on the damn coffee stain on my shirt from this morning, I blame it on having no friends, I blame it on being ugly, blame it on having no money, blame it on my shoes that got muddy. Whats next you ask? Oh, it's the song that randomizes on Pandora and sends me deeper into a spiral. At this point I am in the fetal position, sobbing, thoughts are all over the place and it feels that coming out of this place is impossible. I can't kill myself. I would never fucking kill myself. I think about why I wouldn't- Zach, Joel, my family, Hillary, Marissa, Brittany, Nina... then I think about the people I have. I get a small dose of realization. Then... haha then I grab my dog and snuggle him. I wipe my tears in his fur and my hot face sticks to him which I think about how gross it is but I don't care because I have my dog and my people and that may be all I have (which it's not), but it gets me through. Then I eventually sit up, stare at myself in the mirror. I wipe the mascare from the bags under my eyes. Then I tell myself that I look pretty post cry- because, I really do for some reason. I don't know what happens after this- I get back to whatever it was I was doing before. It's such an out-of-body, yet desperatly real 20 mins of my life. And that is that.

I'm not sure where I'll go next- but this is where I am. This is my Columbus/Akron month of October.