For the last two years, on and off, I have been involved with a community of women, #SheReadsTruth. For me, it's my daily devotions where I can read and share thoughts with other women who are following the same study. May I insert here: I said *on and off*, because lets face it: my faith is a journey, my fire for the Lord is a journey and I have been on and off in the eager journey. Praise Jesus I've had so much *on* the last while {thank you for renewing my heart, dear Father} and the last two weeks the SRT has studied the book of Nehemiah.
What a book. Oh, how much more it is that a book with a list of Biblical names I can not pronounce. Essentially, it is the journey the Israelites took in rebuilding the city of Jerusalem. It's a look into the restoration of the broken city. Israel went through a true heart wrenching confession of forgiveness and obedience; recommitting their lives and city to the Lord. The book ends on such discouraging note, though. It ends with failure, backsliding, corruption and disobediece. What the heck. Why does God have to do this- get you all eager and soften your heart and then BAM hit you with such a brick. Why does the book end the way it does? What does God want me to see about Himself through this? The final day of the two week trek through Nehemiah we were encouraged to share our own answers to these two questions.
So, here I am- I'm going to gracefully share my heart on this. First, I must note that one of my favorite worship songs started playing as I started typing and I think it is fitting beyond anything: "You've brought me to the end of myself and this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired, You gave me a new song. I'm letting go- falling into You." HELLO HOW PERFECT.
Okay, so why does the book end this way? I can't tell you what God was thinking when he ended journey on such devastation but I can tell you this: God knows what He is doing and he crafts everything perfectly. I'm looking at my own self as I reflect on this. I've asked God why time and time again over the last month (it's been a month already?!). Why did God allow for my relationship end? It was so precious, we had put so much into it, we had plans for the future. Why God? Why!? My heart aches still but my answer is this: He wants me to lean on Him; to rely on Him and His presence. He wants to remind me that I literally CAN NOT SURVIVE without him. He's restoring my reliance on His grace and love and to not forsake it, as is easily done. I think God was doing just this with the people of Israel. He loves us so stinking much, but we need reminders, that aren't always gentle, to restore our faith in Him, in ourselves and in humanity. I also think God's reminding us that we can not continue living the same sins. We need Him more than we need ourselves. We can not do this life on our own. He is showing us how great of a need we have for Him, as sinful humans. We have fallen, and we will continue to fail. Just when things seem perfect, something will happen and we will have to rebuild our city; we're never going to be done. We need His perfection to help us continue to build and re-build.
What does God want me to see about Himself through this? Have I mentioned how much I've learned through this little book of Nehemiah? Well- it's been a perfectly timed journey, thats for certain. God wants me to recognize His forgiveness. The Israelites were not perfect, they sinned, they failed and they turned their backs on the Kingdom; but God forgave. Let me explain my connection here for a second: Since I was a little girl, I have had a longing and desire to be rescued. I have looked ahead at whats to come, waiting to be pulled out of the mud, eager for the next phase because that was when I would be "rescued". Heck, I haven't resolved this sinful mindset yet, but I have a sense of awareness now that I never have before. Ah, how this relates to the people of Israel in their journey to rebuild the city. How I have cried out to Him in the last month (again, weird) begging for forgiveness from this mindset (among other things). God has forgiven me. Others have forgiven me. Now, time to forgive myself. Thats the hardest thing. It's painful to admit our sins and our wrongdoings. But when we do, and I mean REALLY do, we are set free. Christ has so much grace and mercy to offer, and it's my duty to accept the forgiveness I am freely given and rely on that grace. I need daily reminders of this, and maybe thats part to do with the need to really forgive myself. But, I know that the Israelites journey has been God showing me again how forgiving He is, and will always be.
And I end listening to this song again, and am reminded: "You've brought me to the end of myself and this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired, You gave me a new song. I'm letting go- falling into You."
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